The major obstacle barring Jesus' entrance to the hallowed halls of Olympos and legitimacy within Hellenism is the fact that he is not a part of the divine family that sprang from the union of Gaea and Ouranos. Zeus is the king of the gods because he usurped that power from his father Kronos, who usurped it from his father Ouranos. All legitimate gods are somehow related to Zeus. They are his aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, cousins and so forth. If they are not related by blood to him, then they are connected through marriage or adoption.
There exist a great many gods in the world who have no part among the Hellenes; for instance the gods of the Celts, Norse, Africans, Sumerians, Japanese, etc. It is not that these gods are somehow inferior -- they simply have no connection to Zeus, so they have no relevance within Hellenism. Jesus would, likewise, be considered one of these foreign gods, and relegated to the sidelines. But suppose one wished to invite Jesus into our pantheon. How would we overcome this thorny issue of legitimacy?
First, we could simply rewrite the myth of his conception. It is evident that conception myths were rewritten in the past, most notably with the goddess Aphrodite, who was likely an Eastern, and perhaps even Semitic goddess until she was identified as a Greek. We have at least two versions of her birth extant, one where she is born from the foam that rises upon the ocean when the semen from the severed testicles of Ouranos splash down, and another that suggests that she is the daughter of Zeus and Dione. It would be very easy to rewrite the birth story of Jesus. After all, Zeus was notorious for his dalliances, and begot gods and mortals all over the place. Could he not have made a brief stop in Palestine and taken up with a pretty Jewish girl?
If we don't want Zeus begetting him (we want him to be legitimate, not the next in line for the Throne of Heaven) we could have another god do the begetting. A potential opening here comes from Celsus, one of the first systematic Pagan critics of Christianity. He found the virgin birth story absurd, and quoted a Jewish tradition that held that Jesus had fabricated the story to cover up the fact that his real father was a Greek soldier by the name of Panthera (Contra Celsum 1.32). What is interesting here is that Panthera is similar to panther, the great cat associated with Dionysos. According to Plutarch, the Jewish God was none other than Dionysos (Moralia VIII). Using the same dexterous linguistic juggling that Plutarch employed, and pointing out the curious similarities in custom and ritual, we could easily forge a connection there. After all, Dionysos traveled through the area on his way to conquer India. Maybe he got some nookie while he was there. At any rate, this is just one option, and one that I would not advise using. After all, the myth of Jesus' birth is too well established, and we'd have trouble foisting a new myth on people. Much better to focus on our other options.
Besides rewriting a myth of conception, we could bring Jesus into the family of Zeus through adoption or marriage. Adoption was a common practice, especially in Rome, whereby the individual being adopted (which could happen at any age) was "taken out of his previous condition, all old debts were cancelled, and he started a new life in the relation of sonship to the new paterfamilias, whose name he took, and to whose inheritance he was entitled" (Everett Fergusson, Backgrounds of Early Christianity). This would certainly fit our needs, however I don't think it's drastic enough. The purpose of this endeavor is to bring Jesus into the pantheon and give him legitimacy. It would accomplish the first, but I don't know that it would do the second. After all, a great deal of shame has been brought onto the name of Jesus by his followers. Early on they destroyed the temples of the gods, closed the schools of philosophy and mobbed and killed prominent pagans. The Christians were just as cruel to each other, faction bitterly fighting faction, until the apparatus of the Roman State came under Catholic control, and all opposing views were exterminated. There were the iconoclastic battles. The Inquisition. The Reformation and Counter-Reformation. The Witch trials. The colonization of the Americas. And perhaps worst of all, the modern phenomena of television evangelists.
All of this was done in the name of Christ. Therefore, he has a lot to answer for, and a great need to clear his name. If we are going to rehabilitate this god, it will take more than mere adoption to do it. Marriage is the only option. Because of the graveness of the situation, we can't simply marry him off to any mountain nymph, dryad or nereid that comes along. Nothing short of a fully-fledged and officially sanctioned Olympian will do.
The obvious choices to consider first would be the three virgins -- Hestia, quiet yet diligent goddess of the hearth and home; Artemis, huntress and protector of the wild wood; and Athene, wise goddess of battles and crafts.
One would think that Hestia would be the ideal choice, but that Jesus was a strange fellow. He seemed to have a strong repulsion regarding home and family -- one that bordered on an intense hatred at times. I mean, in all of his sermons, he never used the word "family" once. He never married or fathered children. To his own mother, he said, "Woman, what have I to do with thee?" (John 2:4). Further, he preached, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). "I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother-in-law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household" (Matthew 10:35 -36). And when one of his disciples requested time off for his father's funeral, Jesus rebuked him: "Let the dead bury their dead" (Matthew 8:22). I know for a fact that Hestia wouldn't stand for this. Hestia's sole concern is the home. She upholds the sacred bonds of family and community, and works diligently to maintain the peace. Jesus and Hestia are a bad match.
But what about Artemis? Well, let's just say there's a reason that this goddess is chaste, and has never "felt the touch of man or god," and I seriously doubt it's for lack of opportunity. Artemis was constantly attended by a throng of athletic young girls. Her dearest companions were women like herself, who were given to sporting and hunting, and who were forced to remain virgin all the while that they were in her company. If one of them happened to fall in love with a man, Artemis would jealously punish them, oftentimes resulting in death for the poor unfortunate. Strong-willed, fiercely independent, having nothing to do with the world of men -- I don't think it takes much to see that our dear Artemis leads an "alternative lifestyle." A modern depiction of Artemis might include close-cropped hair, Doc Martens, baggy pants, and an Indigo Girls t-shirt. If we're going to hook Jesus up with her, I'm afraid our godling will have to undergo some changes. A few snips here, some cosmetics there, maybe a wig, and some hormones or implants. We'll have him looking like one of the Great Mother's gallae in no time. And, somehow I don't think he'd mind all that much. After all, he did speak approvingly about those who had become "eunuchs for the sake of heaven" (Matthew 19:12).
What about Athene? She has strength, wisdom, confidence and that sexy androgyny working for her .... what's not to love? However, I can't help but think that Jesus' anti-intellectual streak would get on her nerves. I don't see a goddess who praised the cunning of Odysseus settling for someone who says things like, "Thank you Father, for hiding these things from the wise and learned, and revealing them to little children" (Luke 10:21). And who many times rebuked the learned men of the temple, and even admitted to speaking in parables so that he could confuse people (Matthew 10:13).
Okay. The virgins obviously didn't pan out. How about Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty? I'm sure she wouldn't mind another husband, especially a strapping young lad with a carpenter's build. She does seem to like that muscular, rugged, hard-working physique -- at least judging by her most famous paramours, Hephaistos and Ares -- and who wouldn't want to lie for a while in the voluptuous arms of that beautiful goddess? Oh, wait. Jesus hates everything that Aphrodite stands for, doesn't he? "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). "The flesh is weak" (Mark 14:39). "For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven" (Matthew 22:30). "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery" (Mark 7:21).
I'm not going to even mention the Queen of Heaven. Zeus can be just as jealous as his wife, and if he found out that she was stepping out with another god -- woo-boy. I'm not willing to risk incurring his wrath for the sake of diplomacy.
Hmm. Enyo might work. The sister or daughter of Ares, Enyo (Bellona as she is known by the Romans), is a goddess of war, destruction and bloodlust who would cut her own breasts to see the blood run red. The perfect match for Jesus, don't you think? After all, Jesus was depicted with clothes dipped in blood, a sharp, double-edged sword sticking out of his mouth and treading on the winepress of the wrath of God (Revelations 19:13 - 15). Jesus looked at his critics "with anger" (Mark 3:5), and attacked merchants with a whip (John 2:15). He said, "Think not that I am come to send peace: I came not to send peace but a sword" (Matthew 10:34). "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one" (Luke 22:36). "If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned" (John 15:6). "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me" (Luke 19:27). See, they have all kinds of violent and crazy stuff in common. I bet they'd make a great couple. Of course .... uhm .... we're trying to rehabilitate Jesus' image, aren't we? Not emphasize his angry and berserker-type aspects.
Maybe we've been going about this all wrong. Maybe what Jesus needs isn't a wife, but a husband. According to John Boswell, homosexual marriage, while not common, was certainly known in antiquity. The legitimacy we are seeking to lend Christ could come from a god as easily as a goddess -- and obviously none of the ladies we have considered have fit. Further, by acknowledging this divine partnership, we will show our acceptance for different lifestyles, and our affirmation of human sexuality in all of its wonderful diversity. A number of our gods have had male lovers -- Hyakinthos, Ganymede, Prosymnos, to name just a few -- so they're certainly willing.
And Jesus, well, I don't think we'll have any trouble there, if you know what I mean. Jesus never married. According to the Bible, he slept with at least 12 men (Luke 22:45). He trained his disciples in how to "catch men" (Mark 1:17). He said looking at women was a sin -- though he nowhere denounces looking at men in that manner (Matthew 5:27). At a drunken party he blurted out to his disciples, "Eat me!" (Matthew 26:26). He had a beloved disciple, probably John, who often lay upon his bosom and whispered things in his ear (John 13:23). He was accused of being fond of drink (Luke 7:34), and partying. And perhaps most damning of all, he apparently died during a whipping (Mark 15:19) and bondage (John 19:18) scene gone really, really bad. Now, I'm not saying all of that necessarily makes him gay -- but it sure sounds like Brian from Queer as Folk to me. Hmm .... I wonder if heaven is filled with the sound of old Judy Garland records and "It's Raining Men."
The two gods most commonly associated with homosexuality -- or more properly, bisexuality -- are Apollo and Dionysos. I don't think Apollo would go for it, however. Apollo's lovers have all been exemplars of the Hellenic virtue of arête, or excellence. Beautiful young men, athletes or musicians, at the peak of their perfection. Jesus, on the other hand, was described as having "a marred face, and hideous form" (Isaiah 52:14) with "white hair like wool" and "fiery eyes" (Revelation 1:14). Definitely not Apollo's type.
Dionysos, however, isn't as hung up on good looks. I mean, his satyr companions are described as ugly, lazy and worthless by Hesiod -- and these are his greatest friends. Jesus and Dionysos probably have the most in common. Jesus' first miracle involved wine (John 2:1 - 12). He frequently employed Dionysian symbolism such as the wine press and the vineyard and called himself "the true vine" (John 15:1). When he entered Jerusalem, he made sure he was on the back of a donkey, like Dionysos is depicted when he carries drunk Hephaistos up to Olympos. At one point he was dressed to look like Dionysos, with a purple robe, a plaited crown and a reed in his hand like a thyrsos (Matthew 27:28-29). Both had large followings and were hailed as conquering kings. And both died and rose again.
Of course, we'll have to see if they'll go for it. I mean, Dionysos might not be in the market for a husband, being quite content with Ariadne. And, Jesus may not be gay (yeah right) or may have no interest in becoming a member of the Hellenic pantheon. But if they are, I think we've found our way to legitimize him. Of course, if they do get together, I want my reward as match-maker.
(Heheheh. I am so going to hell when I die.)