On a moonless night high in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, candles flickered in the cabin as smoke tendrils from the burning incense danced in the shadows like spirits come to visit. Seven of us sat in a circle around a central altar covered in a cloth stained by many years of dripping candle wax, ashes and essential oils. The wind outside whispered through the trees and blended with the rhythmic heartbeat Sherry created on her drum, while Marah hummed a tune that was both strange and familiar. I turned to my left to bless my dear friend Pauline with water from a small ceramic bowl. She closed her eyes and held her head up to receive the blessing. "Thou art Goddess," I said, as I traced the sacred symbol on her forehead, repeating words we had all spoken many times before in similar rituals. A sudden breeze blew open one of the old dilapidated windows, bringing with it the fresh scent of the nearby stream and the sweet, vanilla-like fragrance of Jeffery pine. A great horned owl hooted somewhere nearby and we could feel magick in the air. Pauline opened her eyes and smiled serenely. There was a brightness surrounding her and a power that I had not previously felt in her presence. As I gazed into her beautiful face, I could see not only her features, but also the face of another. It was at that moment that I truly understood the words we had all uttered so many times before. I was gazing at the Goddess incarnate, and she was my own dear wonderful friend Pauline.
This was a great epiphany for me. Back in 1988, aspiring witches did not have the benefit of the Internet. If a seeker lived in rural or remote areas, finding teachers or covens required embarking on long drives into the city to search out metaphysical bookstores, only to learn that it took several such trips to prove one's self trustworthy and dedicated enough to the proprietor to be referred to anyone. When you finally found a teacher or group, you had to accept what they taught you as fact because they were very likely to be the only people in town who would accept new students. The few teachers I managed to find and work with taught me that drawing down deity was serious business not to be attempted by someone like me, who had only a little over a year of study and practice under her belt, and I believed it. So on that magickal evening so long ago, I was completely blown away to see the goddess manifest in my dear and equally neophyte friend without the rigid preparations and rituals I had been led to believe were necessary.
For the first time I truly understood the meaning of words "Thou art Goddess." I began to tie my experience in that mountain cabin with the teachings I had received from Native American elders on the reservations I had worked on and around in my years with the US Forest Service. One tribe I worked with always spoke the words "All my relations" when entering a sweat lodge. Those words took on an equally new and deep meaning for me as I felt my connection to the rocks, the trees, the river and other people deepen.
I attended a bear dance on the Tule River Indian Reservation outside of Springville, California the spring after the ritual in the cabin. The purpose of the dance was to awaken the spirit of the bear that was the totem of protection for the Yokut people. I sat under the arbor in the great circle smelling the burning sage and feeling the cool breeze flowing down from the mountains as the sound of rhythmic drumming lulled me into a semi-trance state. The energy raised by the dance peaked late into the evening as the Full Moon rose overhead, and the fire suddenly flared up, burning with a new intensity. I looked at the dancers, who no longer appeared to be guys from the rez wearing ratty old bear skins. I was seeing bears, and they were not just bears, but the spirit of the totem bear who would protect and watch over the people. I felt as if I was wrapped in a big, furry embrace in a warm, safe den. I also felt the same power that I had felt the night the goddess spontaneously drew into my friend Pauline.
The intense energy I felt on both of these occasions opened up a door inside my soul. My dreams became more vivid, and I often found myself walking between the worlds during the day without intentionally trying. During this period of discovery, I found that animals, the fey and the Goddess are more than willing to visit those who want to see and hear them, and that it doesn't necessarily require all the fancy ritual and trappings.
Years later, the Goddess has continued to visit me in many guises. The Morrigane, to whom I am dedicated, most certainly does not wait for an "invitation" if she has something that she wants to say. Her two favorite places to get my attention are in my truck and on the toilet, where she pretty much has a captive audience. Normally, she is trying to whip me into shape or get me back on track. She let me have it good when I was getting nervous and considering backing out of an interview and photo session with the Tacoma News Tribune, as I was not sure I was ready to be that out of the broom closet in my suburban South Hill neighborhood. She made it very clear that those who choose a warrior path are supposed to face challenges and their fears head on. She made that point, and none too delicately, on a drive home from work one day. Months later, when I was tempted to respond to nasty comments, accusations and bad behavior from a small group of people that appears to have nothing better to do than perpetuate witch wars, she came to me again. She let me know in no uncertain terms that warriors pick their battles, and petty childish bickering and one-upmanship was a waste of time, energy and talent. "Save it for battles that matter." She told me. Who am I to argue with a large fiery goddess with a sharp spear?
About a year ago, I was dealing with a career crisis and the effects of some toxic relationships. While on a trip with my hubby to the ocean, I was given a little pep talk by another goddess. Every morning I woke up early and went out onto the beach to greet the morning sun and take a long walk to sort things out and clear my head. On the second day of our trip, I was walking along the beach at the edge of the water, contemplating where my life was going and what my priorities were. I had been unconsciously singing, "We all come from the goddess, and to her we shall return, like a drop of rain, flowing to the ocean," while hoping that Fand would bless me with some small gifts from the sea to take home to my friends. All of a sudden, a voice surrounded me, saying "The only thing limiting you is your own fear." Fand had listened and had plenty to say. I was given very clear visions of what I needed to do to bring my life back into balance. I had allowed myself to become distracted by relationships that were one-sided and not based on mutual respect and true friendship. I had also left the field I loved and accepted a job I hated in order to "be more stable." The visions she gave me were a series of small steps that needed to be taken one at a time over a period of years. After I had accepted the inevitable, I looked down and noticed a perfect sand dollar in the water at my feet. I joyfully scooped it up, put in my bag and continued my walk. In less than 30 minutes, I had 15 sand dollars to take home for my friends and loved ones.
It does not do any good to ask the goddess for help and then do nothing. When I got home, I had some serious changes to make. The first steps were very difficult, quite painful and turned my life upside down for a significant length of time. I removed myself from the toxic relationships and quit the job that made me miserable to devote my full time and attention to getting a new one. The changes that I needed to make were not easy or painless. Quitting a stable job with a good salary and a 401K while I had a child who needed braces and a big fat mortgage payment was quite possibly the most frightening thing I have ever done. A year later, I can honestly say that my life is better than it has ever been. I love my new job, am able to devote more time and energy to my husband and daughter and have some awesome plans for the future. Casting off the old relationships made room for others to bloom and grow. I still have the sand dollars, and each one is finally ready to be given to a special person in my life, now that I understand who they are.
There is something to be said for formal invocation and drawing down. My early experiences were somewhat disappointing, however. I had witnessed several instances of priestesses attempting to draw down, only to find that the words spoken by them were not from the goddess, but were conscious and calculated attempts to further their own agenda in the circle or community. I did not see the glow or feel the energy, and decided that I was not willing to take part in a practice that appeared to me to be nothing more than stage magic and manipulation. I did not draw down in ritual for more than a decade.
Years later, I was required to formally draw down the Morrigane in a circle. It was the only way to accomplish the goals of the ritual, so I went back to old notes and memories and talked with several other people about how they went about it. Since she likes to show up unannounced, I was not worried that she would not come, but was concerned about how she would feel about a "command performance" and if she would play nice or try to teach me a lesson. The old saying, "Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it" was running through my mind during the time leading up to the ritual. I was fully prepared to announce to the group, "No, sorry, it just didn't work." Rather than try to fake it as I have seen so many others do.
It was an amazing experience to consciously open myself up and invite her in. After reciting an invocation and taking a journey, I found her standing in a grove of trees, dressed in battle gear and a dark red cloak. I went to her and embraced her as a child would a mother or older relative. As she wrapped her cloak around me, I felt small but safe and I could sense the shimmering black feathers of her raven aspect brushing against my skin. The last thing I remember in my physical body was a feeling of intense heat in my face and a sensation of floating. The rest of the events of that evening, for the most part, had to be relayed to me by those in the circle. One very vivid memory that I do have of that night was seeing the manifestation of the god and goddess in others in the circle, some of whom had invoked deity as part of the circle casting. I looked over at my one of my family's closest friends, Jim, who glowed with a light so intense that it was almost overwhelming, the energy radiating from him was powerful, yet gentle. Next, I noticed the mother aspect of the goddess in my dear friend Barb. I do not remember much, but I know that we both had tears in our eyes. My friend Tannah was the next person I remember facing. She glowed with a blend of intensity and serenity that was awe-inspiring. As she spoke her part of the ritual, I saw her face change several times, one time reflecting a participant who was very ill and couldn't be there, and another time the goddess Danu herself. My personal experience was rather insignificant in comparison to witnessing the manifestation of the shining ones in my dear friends.
They key to connecting to the god and goddess is in remembering that we are a direct embodiment of them, and in respecting others and ourselves. Self-destructive habits are the ultimate form of disrespect. When we harm ourselves, we harm that which is most sacred, the physical manifestation of deity. When we try to hurt others for any reason other than an act of self-defense, we are guilty of the same violation.
I am saddened by how often I see or hear pagans disrespecting and often outright attacking those who follow a different pagan path or religion. Far too often, I have seen people new to the pagan community come away from an event or internet chat feeling beaten up after being called a fluffy bunny or a blithering idiot for reading a Scott Cunningham book as a start to their studies. They often go home and either practice alone, go back to the old religion that was meaningless to them or worse yet, give up altogether. No, it's not all about white light and unicorns and we shouldn't pretend that it is. Aspiring pagans and witches are eventually going to have to learn to work with their shadow sides and understand that the line between positive/negative, light/dark and good/bad is very fine, if it exists at all. The fundamentalist attitude of "This is the one true way" is often the very thing that people are trying to get away from when they seek out earth-based religion and pagan community.
I cringe every time I hear someone who claims to speak for the pagan community preach hate and intolerance against Christians or members of other religions who are merely following the path and recognizing deity in a manner that works for them. The disrespect of those who choose to worship differently, who haven't read the right books or been initiated by the right priest or priestess, is not service to the gods, it is service to the egos of those who need to make them selves feel superior to others.
Invocation and Drawing down are very powerful tools and worthwhile arts to learn. It is more important however, to recognize that the true manifestation of the god and goddess are in those around us. Only when we are able look on another person and honestly be able to say, "Thou art God/Goddess" can we truly understand what it is to connect with deity.