What's it like to be a god? Cast and staff of the 2002 Aquarian Tabernacle Church (ATC) Spring Mysteries Festival shared with me by e-mail and phone their feelings on being invoked with Greek deities for the sake of that festival, reviewed elsewhere in this issue. These generous interviewees were: Debi Herrington (this year's spiritual director, Hecate and the Fate Atropos), Celdae (assistant festival director and past cast member), Eric Lethe (Dark Lord and past cast member), Chad Lupkes (Apollo), Eric Cagle (Hermes), Genevieve Williams (Artemis and an Oceanid, Gepherismoe and Maenad), Jamie Duchovny (Aphrodite and the Fate Clotho), Tracey Richie (Rhea and the Fate Lachesis), Trista Sammons (Hestia) and Terri Jones (Demeter). Each had different insights into the minds of the gods.
Widdershins: What does it feel like to be invoked with a deity?
Debi Herrington: The first time I was invoked was during a private ritual. It was overwhelming to the point where I wasn't in much control for a time. Physically, it felt like I had grown much taller and at the same time much lighter in weight, and there was a pressure over my third eye that I discovered caused me nasty headaches when I stayed invoked too long. Mentally, my point of view shifted completely. I was no longer conscious of taking care of myself or others in the circle with me; I was only concerned with doing what I was there to do. And even that had changed. I remember knowing what I had to do at the time, but by the time I devoked, the specifics were gone.
Since then, I've been through a life-altering trauma that left me with, among other things, serious brain damage, and that has changed things immensely as far as invocation. Invocations and devocations are far less wrenching and disorienting than they were; it's almost as if I've come a little closer in my day-to-day life to an alternate realm, so shifting between them is simpler. Which is good in that it's less exhausting than it used to be; it's not so good because it happens with less encouragement and warning than it did.
Celdae: I probably didn't know what it was the first time. The energy was there but hard to define. Later, when I was more experienced, invoking felt like a warm electrical column pouring energy into me. I now physically jerk from the power until I can calibrate and lock it into my system. I can only describe it as a body orgasm. Very powerful, very wonderful, and it can be very scary.
Eric Lethe: The first time I was invoked (with the Dark Lord), it wasn't what I expected. I expected the darker aspect. I got a much wilder aspect. The Lord of the Dead had to cause a series of injuries to get me to see him.
Right after the first set rehearsal, where we did a light invocation, I injured my back. It was a fairly serious injury, a pinched nerve. Several days later, I sprained my ankle, and my back pain disappeared. It shouldn't have -- it usually takes at least a week to get over a pinched nerve. Almost immediately following that, I got a bronchial infection and was coughing up bloody green stuff. Then the ankle healed miraculously. Then, while I was taking pain medication for my back and ankle, I was preparing dinner one night, and I cut the tip of my thumb off.
I asked our spiritual director, "Look, is something going on?" She asked me some questions, and we recognized the dark side (was coming forward), which I had frankly been afraid to face. I did a series of meditations to bring myself in touch with the Dark Lord. It was not pleasant; it was riddled with anguish. But understanding that was understanding the god.
Doing invoking, being ridden by a god, is not to be done casually. Unless you have lots of years of experience, it's not to be done on one's own. No godform is all purity, sweetness and light, but the Greek gods are especially human, capable of capriciousness and cruelty.
Chad Lupkes: My impression of Apollo was flashes of memory of all the places where he is worshipped from the great temples of Greece to the fields and forests that were the places of worship for his sister Artemis. During the festival itself, I never felt the cold, even though I only had my short tunic for the entire weekend. I did feel it afterwards, and I'm fighting off the resulting flu symptoms now, but during the festival itself I didn't feel a thing. This went to the extent that I was able to climb to the top of the hill to watch part of the action and could feel the wind whipping around me.
Eric Cagle: The first time that I drew down as Hermes (in 1998), I felt like I had connected with a kindred spirit. The best way to describe Hermes (for me) is "electric." I felt charged, energetic, bouncy, almost hyper. The second time that I did Hermes, I discovered that he had many more lessons to teach. In particular, he taught the lesson about material things, wealth and money. He taught that they are ephemeral things that should not be coveted or hoarded -- you are just as likely to lose as you are to win, and as such, should not get too attached to either.
Genevieve Williams: (I took on several deities), which was weird in itself: Artemis, Oceanid, Gepherismoe, and Maenad. Although three of these were archetypes, rather than major deities, it was still pretty strange to deal with that many different consciousnesses or personalities in so short a time.
The first invocation was very strange because I'd never really done this before. The spiritual director helped me draw down Artemis, at a rehearsal that was held in a library. It felt as though there was an additional layer of perception between myself and the world, with a perspective slightly but definitely different than my own.
Jamie Duchovny: With Aphrodite, I felt like I was the most amazing thing in the world. I really lost all of my inhibitions; I felt great. However, I was still very present. It's like watching yourself do things that are not really you; you are there in the background and you have influence over your actions, but there is someone else with you trying to persuade you to do what they want you to do.
Tracey Richie: Rhea was particularly concerned for Demeter, who refused to let go of Kore. Rhea was painfully aware of the need and the appropriate time for letting a child go and become an adult.
Lachesis was another matter. The first time I invoked Her, it was like a large dark cloud that made my skin crawl. I know I only took a portion in, but even that was huge and ancient and primal. There was no emotion whatsoever, however.
Trista Sammons: The godform understands it is working with you, so it "sets up shop," heals things it can, patches up parts of your spirit with love. Anything and everything to bond with you, a sort of "get acquainted" period for the both of you. A courtship, really.
Widdershins: What are the positives of being invoked with a deity?
Terri Jones: The positives and negatives are pretty much the same thing; for me, it's the experience of being directly connected to the deity's thoughts, feelings, and emotions -- you get the good with the not-so-good.
Celdae: There is definitely a sense of the divine, of oneness, of feeling on a different and larger level. Also of being able to impart that divine energy to those around you in the sense of ritual and bringing community together. It is the most profound feeling, truly awe-inspiring, touching, poignant and exhilarating.
Eric C.: Invoking a deity means gaining access to that "super battery" that is the gods. Things seem brighter and more alive, situations seem more complex, and you become more aware of the world around you.
Trista: The most striking aspect of being invoked is the outpouring of love you feel from everyone and to everyone. We tend not to discuss our love for our gods, or at least that has been my experience. Perhaps we're too afraid of being seen as fluffy or New Agey, or any other number of things. I was very much humbled by the love and communion people have with Hestia and are willing to share with you as Her priestess. When invoked as Hestia, there is an endless source of patience, love and compassion for everyone; your only thought to share that with people.
Debi: If working with something [Hecate] knows well, the double-thinking and doubts we have as mortals almost don't exist. There is a focus of purpose and behavior unlike I've ever had "on my own." In the same vein, the work that needs to be done and how to do it are laid out and obvious, as are the consequences of not carrying the work out to it's full potential.
Eric L.: (As the Dark Lord), I got a deeper understanding of the dark aspect that is a part of every archetype. By comparison, when I was carrying Hermes, the darkest aspect I was conscious of was his amorality. When I carried Zeus, the darkest aspect of Zeus was his absolute impatience. The dark aspect of the Dark Lord was self-pity in a way that's murderous. The lighter aspect is a rising from the darkness. The act of rising from darkness is an act of ecstasy.
Widdershins: What are the negatives of being invoked with a deity?
Eric L.: Across the board, pain. Zeus always wanted me to drive too fast and speak over people. Hermes wanted me to spend too much money. The Dark Lord wanted me to suffer. It's an archetype that suffering is important. The archetype is bound up with light and darkness. One is imperative to the other.
Celdae: Inexperienced, you can get burned for a long time to come, physically, mentally, emotionally, in lifestyle and everyday affairs. The more you do it, the more tempered you are as a vessel, the stronger the energy, the more dangerous it can become. It can be unleashed unknowingly or carelessly on others or things. It can wreak havoc in your life. Like diving, it shouldn't be done alone. Like dangerous sports, it shouldn't be done without training, precaution, safeguards and first aid in the wings.
Chad: The longer you are invoked, the longer you think you can be. And that is not a healthy way of looking at things.
Debi: My mindset changes to the point where I, as the priestess, have to keep my needs and my reasons for working in mind constantly or I'd find myself off on tangents. The biggest danger, though, is that there is a drive to accomplish whatever is at hand that takes precedence over everything else, things like eating, making sure I'm dressed warmly, taking breaks, etc. It's almost as if taking care of yourself is simply not a way you're used to thinking; you pay it no attention, sometimes for far too long.
Eric C.: The most negative aspect is when an aspect of your personality is counter to the god or (the god suggests) something that you would not normally do. In the case of Hermes, there were times in which I felt like I could get away with anything... although, as a priest, I knew that there are still laws, morals and ethics that I could not cross. There is always the temptation to cross over the line and let the gods dictate your life for you.
Genevieve: You're still responsible for your behavior. That's not a negative, really, but it's something to bear in mind. It can also be confusing. I had trouble maintaining boundaries with Artemis, for instance, who is a lot more confrontational than I am.
Jamie: I think that there are people who become addicted to being invoked.
Trista: Sometimes it's hard to give up their presence, to give up the knowledge that was made available to you. Even harder, it can be very difficult not to self-invoke when confronted with something the godform would be better at handling. And I've given up trying to tell time while invoked! I usually end up asking someone nearby, since the whole concept of time is meaningless to the deity.
Widdershins:How do you set boundaries with a deity? Can you?
Debi: I've found that most of the energies I've worked with are able to be just that, energies I work with, if I show that I can and will take back over when I need to. They seem to get the idea and don't push it too often.
Chad: Spring Mysteries' purpose is to tell a story and to be there for the people who need us. Those two purposes are the only focus of the weekend, so that is the boundary. Anything that would take me outside of those purposes automatically causes devoking. You have to set that as an automatic trigger.
Eric C.: In an odd way, dealing with a deity is like dealing with a child who expects to get what they want all the time: you must be firm and resolute with them in saying what is and is not acceptable. The gods respect strength (and will) and despise those who are wishy-washy.
Eric L.: You must have the ability in yourself to create boundaries. It is not automatic. It must be learned. You need to keep part of you in there. It depends on the intensity of the archetype, but to a greater or lesser degree you've always got to be there.
The time I felt most
invoked and safest to let go was
during the godathon, the shrine section, when I didn't have lines and blocking.
I remember very little of what I said to people.
Celdae: The more you're willing to give up to the deity, the more profound and deep the experience will be for all around, with some rules. You must practice, getting familiar with the deity you're working with. Read up on the deity, think what things that deity might like, food, drinks, colors, sports, work, leisure, literature, music, whatever. Meditate on the deity and the different aspects and attributes. Find a power object and a grounding object. One can help pull you into the moment and define the power that fills you. The other can help get you back if the power overrides you.
Keep track of your life. Do things change? Are you angrier, more tired, eating different foods, liking different colors, attracted to different people? Very important to keep track. Are you getting headaches, finding dogs follow you, hearing voices? The "side effects" can be subtle or startling, and if you don't keep tabs, it's the beginning of losing control. Have someone you can talk to or who can keep an eye on you. If and when you start doing drawing down, don't do it alone. Have an experienced priest or priestess who can pull you out and ground you if necessary.
Never believe you know completely how to handle the energy, even if you've carried it before. It was scary the amount of energy that poured into me once I "knew" what I was doing, yet the benefit to everyone was greater.
Tracey: I make sure that I talk honestly with the energy that I'm carrying as soon as I know I have the role. I feel it's very important to set guidelines as soon as possible. I set a clear list of boundaries of what we will and will not do and why. If something comes up that was not expected, then we compromise. The first year I carried a hierophantide, she really wanted to spear Pan during the Parade to the Sea. She felt He was threatening the people she was bound to protect. I firmly reminded her that Pan was bigger than the both of us. And though I wouldn't let her follow her first impulse, I did tell her it was okay to glare at Him. That satisfied her.
Widdershins: How did you find yourself acting when invoked?
Eric C.: Like a god, to put it bluntly. You feel strong, energetic, and powerful. It does depend on the godform, but your personality exaggerates and grows larger: you laugh bigger, cry harder, feel anger more powerfully, love more intensely.
Chad: I find myself acting stronger, more confident. This often translates into "I know what everyone else needs to do as well," and that can get sticky, especially if I'm not the director.
Debi: With Hecate, I was constantly watching for things that needed shifting, work that needed to be done, and angles to twist. I was far more scheming that I expected.
Terri: I feel physically taller when (Demeter) is invoked, and my hair visibly turns more golden.
Trista: I was much more tactile and able to express myself physically while invoked. I'm a New Yorker, so personal space is something I protect without realizing I'm doing it, which means I'm very wary of hugging people I don't know. Invoke me, and its a whole 'nother story. I hug everyone, I kiss them, I wipe the tears from their faces, I cry with them. Invoked, you're so connected to what everyone is thinking and feeling. You know exactly what to say to them, what they need from you and you give it, freely. No matter what your own personality is, the divine perspective is much more important, and so you give in to it, gladly.
Genevieve: Many times, what emerged was some facet of my own personality that was in line with the deity's or entity's behavior.
Tracey: Each (role) is different, with different personalities, goals and so forth. This holds true even for the hierophantides. I did that three years in a role, and each one was different. Rhea was the doting grandmother. Lachesis was no-nonsense, matter-of-fact, yet had a twisted and dark sense of humor.
Celdae: One should never be completely out of control and treating people badly. That's as irresponsible as driving drunk. If you do that, you're losing control.
I find I feel more connected to everyone. Everything is bigger. It's very hard to explain, but there really is a sense of the bigger picture, of feeling the realms of underworld and astral/spiritual strata and of the physical plane and how they join. You have a heightened awareness especially of what your deity controls or influences. Senses are sharper yet also surreal. There is sometimes a veil of another vision over everything so that while I know I'm in a state park I "see" Eleusis in ways I couldn't explain.
Widdershins: What was it like to have devotees talk to you when you were invoked?
Eric L.: I was feeling very separate from mortalkind, and I was feeling very separate from the gods. As the mystai's Dark Lord, I told them, if you come seeking dedication, I refuse. One didn't know what the Dark Lord was, but he wanted to dedicate anyway. I said things that made his face go grey and his mouth drop open. I put a black stone in his hand and told him to keep it on his altar and look at it whenever he thinks about being reckless with his life. I said, "I could be Thanatos, I could touch you with a finger and kill you. You care that little for your life? You're a reckless fool!"
A man who knew who I really was wanted to thank me for helping the spirit of his wife across to the place of healing. I told him how brave he was to come. A group of people came in, all epoptai but two, seven at once. I talked to each in turn. One young man wanted to dedicate; he was epoptai. But he hadn't done this year's Greater Mysteries. I said if he wanted to dedicate to the Dark Lord, to do it after the Greater Mysteries.
Chad: The second person I had come in, I recognized and greeted with, "And what have we learned over the last year?" He was a dedicant of Apollo the previous year, and Apollo wanted to know how he had done.
Eric C.: Hermes enjoys interacting with devotees (or anyone, for that matter). It's amusing to note that Hermes was the last god to finish with his "shrine scene." The director had to come and tell me that we were done. The best part was that He managed to suck her into the shrine, and it was a full 10 minutes before she snapped out of it and told Him, "Yes, we're done, for real."
Jamie: Sometimes I think that people forget that they are talking to a priest or priestess invoked with a god. While I was invoked, I really wanted to help everyone that I could and give everyone as much time as possible. I really felt that I wanted to make things right and better for everyone; however, the priestess knows better, and I made sure not to promise anything that I as a person could not give.
Tracey: This year was wonderful. Each person that came in to see Mother Rhea sat either in a chair along the wall or on the floor in front of us. And when we spoke, each person hung on our every word. It was like sitting in front of Grandma or Grandpa and listening to their tales of the "good ole days." It was true magick.
Trista: Humbling to be given the gifts of the love and devotion in place of Hestia. Hestia speaks through you, She tells them things they need to hear. She knows what their struggles are and has some methods they should work with. Once devoked, She takes that knowledge back with Her, so personal information is kept confidential. So it was a bit bizarre when devotees came to me afterward and asked how I knew whatever it was about them. All I could do was laugh gently and remind them that I still don't know, Hestia did, and She took it with her. Devotees seem to find that disconcerting, yet comforting in a way. It's disconcerting as the priestess, too. It's not so much that I have gaps in my memory; it's that what I remember is the love and compassion, not the details.
Widdershins: Was it easy to be devoked?
Eric L.: Some are happy to go, others want to stick around. Others are very appealing, and the priest or priestess doesn't want them to go. In my relationship with the Dark Lord, I felt very blessed to do the part. He's not an archetype who wants to hang onto you. He can be called, but he's not possessive.
Zeus was possessive. Hermes I didn't want to leave. Carrying Hermes, I felt an extension of myself in ways that were seductive to me. I felt intuitive, magickal, clever, communicative.
Myrdden, the archetype from which Malory wrote Merlin (which Eric played at one point for the ATC's Hecate's Sickle festival), the crazed sorcerer who dictated the riddle to Taliesin, Myrdden is insane, just mad. He was very peculiar. I had to be careful over the next few months, or he would come back.
Chad: It is very hard to stay devoked. I choose the two characters I played, or rather the directors chose me for them, because they bring out parts of myself, and the festival let them grow and shine.
Debi: It's easy to devoke most of the way and then find oneself thinking or behaving oddly because the devocation wasn't complete.
Celdae:As Aphrodite, it was not easy to be devoked at all. Aphrodite likes to stay and make sure people are loving each other. She'll try tricks to stay invoked. The other goddesses were not as difficult.
Jamie: A lot of people said that Aphrodite likes to hang on and doesn't want to be devoked; however, I really didn't have a problem. When It was time for her to go, she went (not that I don't still carry much of her around with me).
Eric C.: Because our personalities were very much in synch, it was hard to draw a line between Hermes and myself. Making the separation involved a serious in-depth look at what makes up yourself and withdraw it from the godform.
Trista: Devoking myself (alone) is a painful, drawn-out process. I have a very hard time devoking myself, giving the gifts of the goddess back. I've found that devoking myself usually means I have to revisit something painful and let Her heal it before I can let Her go.
Terri: The first time I carried Demeter, about five years ago, She didn't devoke; I found out that it was a problem that required a second group devocation, because I wasn't the only one still invoking!
Tracey: This year was a little different because I had injured my knee. Rhea was loath to leave. Perhaps because She wanted to help.
Widdershins: What did you feel like after being devoked?
Eric L.: I felt exhausted, like an actor who's been on for 21 straight hours, which is pretty close to what it was. You use more than a normal amount of physical energy in ritual drama.
Trista: Sleepy! Ravenous! Eating and sleeping became my nightly rituals at SMF. Anything to get something in my tummy and lie down!
Chad: I felt tired, but with a sense of wonder that it had gone over so well. I immediately starting thinking about ways it could be improved for the next year. Triptolemus and Apollo are part of me, as much as any great character in a book that I have loved to read, or in a movie that I love to watch. The difference is that their magick came from inside.
Celdae: Sometimes sad, a little at loose ends but overall kinda comfy and warm.
Widdershins: How did your life change after taking on a deity? What lessons did you learn?
Terri: Sometimes it's not just taking on a deity, but sometimes it's that the deity chooses you. I feel that both times when I worked with Demeter, She has sought me out. Originally, I was cast to be the priestess of Hecate. But this didn't explain why I was being drawn to green clothes, why I wanted to decorate my Yule tree with wheat, why I suddenly had wheat all over my house or why, when I found the perfect black fabric for Hecate, the fabric cutter felt it necessary to inform me that it was a wheat design. Was I surprised when I was recast for Demeter? Nope.
Jamie: I truly think that every woman should take on Aphrodite at least once in her life. I have never felt so sure of myself in my life. I know what it feels like now to have that much confidence and that much beauty and that much love. I know that she gave me some of those things to keep, and that will always make a difference in my life. I am so glad that I did it, it was one of the hardest things for me to do, and I am definitely changed for it.
Genevieve: It feels pretty substantially changed. It's given a boost to my self-confidence; going in, even after all the rehearsals and preparation, I really wondered if I'd be able to do this -- bearing in mind that I had little previous experience with invocation, or even with working with a group. Accomplishing something difficult can do wonders for your confidence.
Celdae: The changes continue for quite a while. I stay working with a deity for a year from time of audition and role to after the mysteries. In many ways. It's helped me grow spiritually and continue to grow as a whole person. However, not all the growth is easy. I've given myself into the hands of a deity, and sometimes the ropes they put you through are very painful. If you can stand it, the rewards are great. Sometimes I have to wonder, though.
Trista: Hestia's cleaning my house, literally and figuratively. A relationship ended, a move to Whidbey Island, perhaps a new job or career is on my horizon. I've become more studious, more patient, I hope more compassionate and loving. I've become very fire element-oriented, which very interesting since I'm mostly an air element, as an Aquarian.
We work too hard. We've forgotten how to spend time with ourselves and our friends. We're always bustling about, planning, arranging, doing. Hestia told many of the dedicants that they needed to spend time taking care of themselves. That this was a year to slow down, so I'm working on that.
Eric C.: The gods are with us always, and they can be very powerful influences on our lives (both for good and ill). Also, they enjoy being drawn into our lives and to interact with the mortals. All we need to do is call to them, and they will listen.