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by Sienna
Here we come upon another Yule season. All cultures across the globe have some sort of celebration at this time, so it is only natural that pagan families gather around bonfires and potlucks at this time of year. Unlike Beltane, which is somewhat adult-oriented (in theme at least) and Samhain, which can be a little confusing and scary for some youngsters, Yule is the celebration most pagan kids look forward to all year. Kids are happy to be part of the magick of the Festival of Light.
Making children part of Yule means bringing them into the magickal circle, giving them a basis for spirituality that will remain with them for the rest of their lives. But what's a mom and dad to do if they wish to both participate in ritual and include the kids? Here are some tips from a former circle kid and current mommy.
Always contact the ritualists who are holding the event you plan to attend and ask them if the rite is appropriate to children! There is nothing more embarrassing than showing up for a circle with your child and finding out it is going to be a skyclad version of the Great Rite. If this should happen to you, please take your child home rather than park him or her reluctantly in the corner of the next room while you attend the ritual. No matter how badly you would like to participate, make your child your priority in this situation.
If you have promised the kid a ritual circle, you should live up to that promise. Go home and create your own, or find another, more child-friendly venue. At Yule, there are usually plenty of events for families to attend.
By the same token, if you are holding an event, make it known from the beginning if children are invited or not, and if they're invited, at what ages. Put the information on flyers; make sure it is passed through the phone tree or placed in your ad. Doing this will save everyone much annoyance.
Babies: First rule of thumb - get a backpack carrier! If you child is under 18 months, a carrier is the most logical solution. Many babies sleep to chanting, or remain awake, fascinated by the candles and the pretty costumes.
Make sure Baby is dry and fed before the ritual starts. If this means breaking her feeding schedule, do so. However, if the ritual requires dancing, give her time to digest before circle is cast. In outdoor Yule festivals, it makes sense to bundle Baby up warm and pay attention to her little nose; if it gets too pink, she needs to go back inside. Don't make a big production of handing her off to the other parent; whoever has the backpack carrier is the one who should leave the circle. Most community leaders understand when this happens. Be sure to cut a gate through the circle when you leave.
Toddlers: A child under 4 is a handful no matter where you take him. Face it, Mom, he's not going to just stand there and watch the ritual. He wants to entertain the people next to him, play with the stuff on the altar, run to your friend across the circle, wander away or go to Dad and then back again. He will need near-constant attention. In outdoor celebrations, the fire is a large danger, as he sees adults "playing" with it and will want to help
If you intend to have a toddler in the circle, do not volunteer for a part in the rite! You will be busy enough. I once attended a small circle with one child under 3. Mom was invoking West when daughter yanked her shirt, saying "I gotta pee!" While it was amusing to the rest of us, it definitely broke Mom's concentration. Don't put yourself in this position, if you can help it.
If your child is too active or cries or fusses or is distracting in any way, be prepared to leave the circle with him. Cut a door, exit as quietly as possible (ha, ha!). Don't try to force him to behave within the boundaries of the circle. It will give him negative feelings associated with being in circle. It will get easier as he grows up. I promise.
Beginning school age: Most kids remain bored in circle from about 4 to 7 unless the circle is very active. This is the time to set up the rules of behavior in circle. No running, no talking while the priest/priestess is speaking; stand in one place; don't touch the altar; stay out of the fire. Children figure out quickly that if they miss the opening speeches that they will be lost when the dancing starts. Finding this out tends to create good listening skills.
Don't worry about explaining why something is happening, just what is happening. The spiritual part will come later. Feel free to whisper "The lady in white is playing the part of the Goddess. See, she is waking up...." Don't try to explain how the lady could actually be the Goddess.
At this age, they begin forming bonds with other people besides their parents. If your child clings to another participant and that person is okay with it, let her stand next to the person she wants. My 6-year-old daughter once darted across the circle before a ritual to cling to a woman I had never met. The woman smiled and waved when my daughter pointed at Mommy. I decided that she was safe (right where I could see her!), and as it turned out, she became my introduction to one of the most beloved elders in our community. Small kids have a good sense about who they can trust, and in pagan circles the untrustworthy seem to be few and far between.
At Yule bonfires, after ritual when the fire is still burning, many communities have marshmallow roasts for kids. Before allowing your child to participate, make sure that the firepit boundary is not made up of loose dirt or rock that may cause a tumble. As with any fire, there should be nothing loose lying anywhere around the firepit. Pick up drums, sticks and equipment yourself; don't expect the fire keeper to watch for your child's safety.
This is the age where kids need to be supervised while sacrificing sugar to the flames. Here are a few tips for marshmallow roasting for beginning schoolers. First, find a stick that is chest-high to the child. Such a length tends to keep her from toasting her little fingers as well as her marshmallow. An over-anxious child will approach this activity too aggressively, so always stand beside your child while she is roasting her first few, so that you can instruct her how it is done during the process. Teach her how not to jostle for position between other kids, and to take her turn if it is necessary to do so. When the marshmallow is toasted, step away from the fire to eat it, so that someone else may have a turn. Keep the bag of uncooked marshmallows in a place where all kids can get to it away from the fire. And remember that too much sugar will keep most kids active and awake for the rest of the evening; be prepared for this.
Later school age: Kids who are 8 to 13 are fun in rituals. By this time, they should love it or hate it. If your child hates it, don't force him to stand in the circle with you. Find someone else for him to hang out with, or have him sit quietly and read or color outside the cast circle. If you want to encourage him to pick his own spiritual path as he gets older, don't force one on him now.
If he loves it, he can participate in small ways. Cookie- and juice-passing are good jobs for small ritualists, as is carrying tools behind the high priest/ess as she/he goes around the circle. If you can write a ritual for your group and put in a part for your child, he will be the most enthusiastic performer of the bunch.
This is also a good age to begin taking him to drum circles, if you can see to it that he doesn't get the loudest drum. Children who do not get to drum at drum circles shouldn't be forced to watch everyone else, but they tend to add an element of chaos to the beat. If his drum or rattle is audible but not overpowering, he can participate without causing havoc.
When the marshmallow roasting comes around, ask him to help the smaller ones around him, rather than just use his size to gain a position around the fire. It also helps if he follows the same rules as the little ones and doesn't show off by flinging flaming gobs of marshmallow around the circle.
Teens: I recommend all teens go through a coming-of-age rite anytime after 13. Some good ones appear in several books, including Family Wicca by Scott Cunningham. The idea is to put teens through some sort of ordeal, then pass them through a gate. The ordeals can be mental or physical. I have asked kids to cut cakes into odd pieces, find items I have hidden and put tents together without instructions as well as other tests of mentality. It is always fun in the end.
On the other side of the gate, they should be re-introduced into the clan/family/tribe as an adult member. The timing of this rite should correspond with more responsibility being given at home, and more freedoms also. The period of this rite can be one when she starts exploring her own spirituality, and the basis of your beliefs should be a topic of conversation with her at least once. Be honest but unbiased with her. She will appreciate it later.
During Yule bonfires, teens are usually either participating in the marshmallow roasting, or hanging out with their friends on the side of the pit. Whatever she wants to do at this age, stay out of her way but let her know where you are, and when you will be leaving. Even pagan kids need their privacy from parental influence, especially at this age.
Most children are ready to be cut loose at festivals after 16. Give her a copy of the festival schedule, so she knows where to find you and when. Tell her where to find the food and when to check in with you. I would also advise any child this age against "tent hopping." While there are many very nice people out there, I also notice that not all are respectful when dealing with young adults. Suggest to her that she hang out with a group that is close to her age.
Have fun with your kids at festivals. Make their spiritual upbringing a joy. After all, it will last them the rest of their life.
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