If you would have asked me why I did it after I got my first tattoo, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I was 34 years old and had just lived through some cataclysmic changes in my life. In retrospect, I believe that an unspoken and as yet unrecognized part of my psyche needed recognition in the form of a rite of passage.
My fascination with tattoos started at a very young age. I remember asking my grandfather about his tattoo and being astounded that he had a beautiful picture in his skin that would never go away. In later years I found out that he had tattooed himself with equipment borrowed from a friend. It seemed to me to be a unique way of making oneself different from all other people.
I did not see much skin art after my family moved to Colorado until one day, sitting in a restaurant, I saw a woman with an exquisite tattoo that ran down her thigh from under her shorts and traveled all the way down her leg and around her calf. The color was incredible and she obviously wore her tattoo with much pride.
I remembered that woman's tattoo several years later when circumstances found me very far away, both physically and spiritually, from the woman that I had been. A large part of my growth was an attempt to recover the effortless childhood spirituality I once possessed. I gave much thought to the things that used to feed my soul, the things that inspired me when I was younger. What emerged was my love and respect for the fey and for the unfettered and otherworldly existence they represent.
At the same time there arose in me the need to somehow transform myself physically through all of the changes that had happened to me. I thought of a tattoo and began to seek someone that could match the image that I had in mind. I envisioned a faery who was not apparently male or female, with stylized butterfly wings, in a spray of pussy willow. I found this tattoo artist when I found Vyvyn Lazonga, a good friend and inspiration to me to this day. She tattooed this faery on the small of my back for me with the greatest respect for my needs.
I believe that there is a tremendous gap of experience in our society that used to be filled with initiation rites, rites of passage and other markers of life changing events. While some communities support such events, many people are left with no apparent means to fulfill this need if they should find themselves wanting passage. This is where I found myself. My tattoos are a permanent reminder to me of the images I hold sacred, such as they are, and of the person I used to be and the person that I aspire to be.
Would I consider getting another tattoo? Of course! There are other reasons why I enjoy being inked that have nothing to do with rites of passage or spiritual issues. I am a shameless exhibitionist and truly love having unique marks on my body. The symbols are important to me of course, but just as important are the depth of the colors and the way that my art moves with me.
What is the one question that I am asked more than any other? "Did it hurt?" This is a difficult question to answer because the person asking has to be willing to accept the inevitability of pain as a price to pay for something of worth. Interestingly enough, in a fair number of people there is an instant rejection of tattoo as a valid form of self expression and I believe that rejection stems from the inability to understand why someone would endure pain as the price paid for something valuable. So many people in our society will do anything to avoid even the slightest pain. Yet, for me, enduring great pain has always transformed me as a rite of passage, as I mentioned previously. When I am under the tattoo needles, I let the pain run through me, I experience it fully yet do not pull from it nor find it unendurable. It is not necessarily that I enjoy the pain of being tattooed, I simply don't mind it — it goes over and through me but is a temporary thing easily tolerated. And I believe the pain of the tattoo is an important part of the experience and a small price to pay for the changes in myself that it marks.
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