I have also been married myself a number of times. No -- don't ask how many; you don't want to know! My weddings have ranged from a civil ceremony at the judge's chambers to being wedded in a beautiful park in the rain. Then there was the first one, when I was extremely young, a quasi-Christian ceremony to satisfy our parents -- the day before Samhain!
Most people, if they haven't been married before, don't know what is required for a marriage to be legal in Washington state, or what you have to actually say as far as vows. Another question is: How do you get a marriage license? So you want to get married, hand-fasted, joined or whatever, and you don't have a coven and a high priestess to write and perform the ceremony? You don't know what factors to include or how to explain it to Aunt Shelly?
It is not that difficult to create your own wedding if you know the elements to include and what they symbolize.
First, the legalities. If you want your union to be legally recognized, the two of you must apply for a marriage license. There are no witnesses, ID or blood tests required to apply for the license -- it costs $52. There is a three-day waiting period before the license is valid and it is good for 60 days. You must have the license filled out properly and sent back to the state within 30 days after the ceremony. The license has a place for the names of and type of clergy and whether it was a civil or religious ceremony. The clergy must fill out and sign it, plus two witnesses must sign. In King County, there are a number of places to apply; for a list or more information, call (206) 296-3933.
As far as the ceremony itself, there are no legal constraints. Anyone who can affirm to the state that he or she is a minister, priest, priestess, judge or justice can perform the ceremony. You may have any kind of ceremony that is meaningful for you and that you can talk someone into performing. It is not a bad idea to provide a program explaining the symbolism for those attending who are not pagans. Keep it short and sweet.
Following is a list of elements to include and a ceremony and some adaptations you might consider. This is by no means a complete list; use your own ideas and adapt as you will.
Framework: 1. Circle casting; 2. introduction; 3. procession; 4. an expression that the couple chooses this of their free will (the "I do" part); 5. promises or vows; 6. exchange of rings; 7. kiss; 8. broom jumping; 9. blessings.
In our tradition, the ritual is performed by the high priest and priestess together. The chosen officiant may cast the circle with the couple present, or he or she may cast the circle and have them brought in when it's already up, which is what I prefer. To me, it feels more initiatory that way. A wedding is a rite of passage, and I feel it is important for it to feel as magickal as possible.
So first, you as officiant cast a circle in your favorite or traditional way. Call the elements, quarters, watchtowers or whatever you normally call. Include a specific god and goddess who are meaningful to the couple, or a god and goddess of love in their pantheon. Ask all the seen and unseen to witness, aid you and bless the couple.
Include an opening statement that explains the purpose of the ritual. Include a component for the couple to express that they are coming to the union of their own free will. This step takes the place of the "I do's" and of the "giving away" of the bride. The latter was a result of women being thought of as property, belonging first to their fathers and then to their husbands. I tend to stay away from this and ask something more like "Will all of you (the assembled company) support and encourage this couple in keeping their commitments, promises and vows?"
Have a section for vows. One symbolic technique you can use at this point is to bind the couple's wrists together. With each vow or promise, use a different color cord to tie their wrists, till they are bound fast, where they stay for the rest of the festivities, or until a time you and the couple agree on.
After hand-binding and vows, the couple will usually want to exchange rings or symbolic jewelry. Next, the couple jumps the broom to symbolize leaving the past and their old single lives behind and moving into the future, and also as a prosperity and fertility blessing.
After the broom-jumping, the couple can follow such wedding traditions as cutting the cake, sharing champagne and having the guests make toasts.
Following is a simple handfasting ceremony that I recently adapted for the wedding of a couple of friends. With each couple, the vows will be different; for each couple, you can make changes to reflect their taste and ideas. I wrote the following from a heterosexual perspective, but it may be adapted for use with same-sex weddings. Although these are not legally recognized, I personally support your right to marry whomever you wish!
Handfasting Ceremony
Perform a simple grounding and centering; Cast a circle.
Call elements or quarters: earth, air, fire, water and also spirit.
Call the Goddess and God.
Call the fey, if desired.
Officiant #1 (priestess or woman) speaks: Good afternoon friends, family and loved ones, and welcome all. This nondenominational pagan wedding ceremony, which is commonly called a hand-fasting, may look slightly different than most other weddings you have attended, but it is exactly the same in concept, purpose and legality as any other.
You will recognize much of it, and we ask that you participate with an open mind and an open heart. Lend your energy and support to this couple, that both your lives and theirs may be enriched by your presence here today.
Marriage is a sacred covenant of a physical, emotional, intellectual, material and spiritual joining. It is the sharing of a couple's feelings of love and commitment with friends, family and loved ones. This couple have chosen this day to marry, and we have all come at this time to this place to witness, acknowledge and support their commitment to share their lives together.
They will make special promises and vows to one another today in your presence. Listen carefully, lest you be called upon in the future to bear witness to these vows and promises.
Bride and groom are led into circle.
Officiant #1: As male and female energy is necessary for the act of creating life and as these energies unite year after year in the cycles of the earth and the mysteries of life and love, so shall they combine their lives together this day in the embodiment of (groom's name) and (bride's name).
Officiant #2 (priest or man): As you are the woman, the giver of life, the daughter, the lover, the mother and the wise old crone are in you, as is the goddess of death and destruction.
Will you be the woman, the curious young girl, the mother of your children, the lover of your man, his adviser, his supporter and his lawgiver when need be?
If you come to this union with open eyes and open heart, of your free will, say I will!
Bride: I will.
All: So mote it be!
Officiant #1: As you are the man, the maker of life, the son, the lover, the father, the wise old man are in you, as is the hunter-warrior, slayer of enemies.
Will you be the man, the adventurous young son, the father of your children, the lover of your woman, her advisor, supporter and her protector when need be?
If you come to this union with open eyes and open heart, of your free will, say I will!
Groom: I will.
All: So mote it be!
Officiant #2: The couple will now make promises and vows to one another. Let these promises hold them fast when life when is rough and rocky; let these ribbons bind their hearts, hands and lives together.
Officiant #1 then leads the couple in their vows. To trade vows, the bride and groom each recite one promise to each other, then one ribbon for each promise is tied connecting the groom's left wrist and bride's right wrist. Usually, the promise and the corresponding ribbon are symbolic of an element. One pair of promises traded and one ribbon tied, the couple goes on to the next, for five sets in all.
Following are some sample vows -- each couple will want to personalize these and create their own.
Green (earth, physical/material): I promise to live with you always, to share all in the material world I have with you. We are partners in life and love, and we will always work together for the best of our lives together.
Yellow (air, intellectual/mental): I promise to communicate as clearly as I am able, to share my thoughts with you, to share my hopes and dreams, as well as my fears and insecurities. I promise to be open to hear you whether the words are good news or bad. I promise to always look for the good in your words.
Red (fire, power/passion): I promise to always feed the fire of our physical passion, to never take you for granted and to always remember you are and treat you as my lover, to always be open to your expression of your love and to share myself totally with you.
Blue (water, emotional/love): I promise my heart will always be open to you, to love and respect you and always put you first in my life, to always consider your feelings when making decisions and to put our relationship as the first priority before all else.
White (spirit, spiritual/philosophical): As everything in life is a circle, so is our love. There is no beginning and no end. We have been here before, and someday we will return. We are two, and we are the same. Today and forever, I promise this will never change.
All: So mote it be!
Officiant #2 holds up rings on wand and says: These rings symbolize all of the circles we dance in through our lives. The circle symbolizes the continuity of life, the never-ending nature of the universe and the constancy of this couple's love for one another. The rings will be given and received as a symbol of the promises made and the union created here today.
Officiant #2 holds rings up, and Officiant #1 blesses them: Blessed be these rings, may they ever inspire your love, passion and dedication to one another. May you wear them gladly to represent your promises and vows to one another, and may the union that they exemplify always yield the ultimate in joy, serenity, love and passion. Blessed be.
All: Blessed be!
Bride and groom each takes from the wand the other's ring and puts it on the other's finger, saying: You are my love for the rest of my life. Please wear this ring to always remind you of this commitment we are making to one another today.
Officiant #1 announces the jumping of the broom; the broom holders hold the broom, and the couple jump. The officiants then present the couple to all and announce they are now husband and wife.
The cake is cut, and champagne and cake is shared. The guests make toasts of best wishes to the couple. The bride throws the bouquet, and the groom throws the garter.
When the toasting is done, the circle is closed: "The circle is open but never broken. Merry meet."
Some modifications you might like are:
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