Still young and struggling to gain ground in this sometimes crazy world, I avoided religion for many years to come. I had determined that religion was for sheep, or for people who were not strong enough or wise enough to make their own decisions. It was for people who lacked in common sense and needed someone to hold their hand and tell them what was good and what was bad. I never was a follower and I know the difference between right and wrong. I was content not to follow the religious leader.
When I was about fifteen years old, I bought a couple of "spell books" but I didn't know much about witchcraft. I chose not to try any of the spells at that time, because I didn't know what I was doing. After some contemplation, I packed away the books and directed my attentions towards my real hobby -- men.
I soon dropped out of school and got my G.E.D. Within a year, I met my husband to be and a child was soon to follow. Two years later, we married and life changed a lot for us. Fortunately, my husband, like myself, was not a religious person and we were fairly content. I fought my personal demons over the years, but they consisted mostly of alcohol and drugs, not Satan.
Having gotten married at an early age, I inevitably grew up. Part of growing up is figuring out how to learn from your mistakes and better yourself, which I feel I've accomplished for the most part. Once my life was pretty much in order and I felt I was in control, the calling of the Craft once again rang in my ears.
In due time, I expanded my library and it seemed that I couldn't stop reading. I frequented the local pagan stores, Odyssey and Magickal Gardaen in the north end. I love both of these stores and sometimes I feel like I should be signing over my pay checks to them. At some point I started reading Widdershins and responded to the Raven's Call for help with the paper. I decided then that I wanted to get involved in the pagan community and follow the path where it may lead.
At first, my husband ignored my interest in the Craft and let me go about my business as I would. He thought I'd get bored and move on after awhile. I told him what I was reading and how I interpreted the information. Then, he finally said he didn't want to talk about it at all and I let him have his way. My studies progressed and I found that, although I hadn't hit a river of buried knowledge, I felt amazingly at peace in the Craft. Happiness was mine at last, or so it seemed for awhile.
As time went by, I picked up trinkets and statues to put on my altar. They were things I love to look at and have around me. Also, my husband, who really has been my best friend, started to act weird and distant. I let it go for awhile but then the hurtful remarks started. He was angry that I continued studying the Craft and he demanded that I explain it to him. How can you tell someone something that they refuse to hear? I tried to give him an overview of the basics, but he was upset about how it made him feel and that seemed to put a wedge between us.
I continue to follow my heart and chase my dreams, but, to my dismay, my marriage has become the sacrifice. The Craft path is something I choose to follow and it pains me that my partner is not going to be with me much longer on this journey.
You might ask why I choose to let my spouse go, rather than give up my pagan beliefs? We all know that marriages have water under the bridge. There are other things wrong in the relationship too. But I feel that I shouldn't have to choose one to be able to be treated with love and respect. Once the respect was gone, love could no longer flourish in our home. I found that my energy was being sapped by the unhappiness I was constantly feeling.
Although the Craft is a wonderful environment for children when introduced in a responsible manner, I am allowing my daughter to make that choice on her own. She is not being raised in the Craft because I want her to seek to gain the knowledge. I choose merely to guide her and answer her questions when they arise. She is probably sick of me telling her how important knowledge is, although I'll be dead when I stop.
I share my story with you because things we think we want don't always work out. Happy endings usually don't come easily if they come at all. We all need to look at our lives and take responsibility for our actions. Especially when there are kids involved. I couldn't live with myself if my daughter thought I was a person to be pushed around. I want my daughter to see me stand up for what I believe in, even if she doesn't understand it now. At this point, I'm happy with my choices and I like my life. How many people can say that?
May the Goddess and her consort smile on you as you live your own lives. Be proud of your choices and, of course, try to make the right ones the first time around. Follow the path, and make us all proud to have you amongst us. That means no scaring the crap out of people you know deserve it! Blessed be to all of you.
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