What do you want out of life, and how hard are you willing to work to create those dreams? Do your dreams and visions of the future include living in a vibrant supportive community? What will it take to make that happen, and is it important enough to you to make it a priority?
Human beings mostly live in communities. In fact, humans seldom survive well or long outside of mutually supportive communities. As far as we are able to tell, from the beginning of our species, humans have formed communities for mutual support in procuring food, being safe, raising and educating children and growing old together.
However, the extended families, tribes, villages and groups, the sort of communities our kind developed within, hardly exist anymore. The support given by being part of a real, ongoing, viable community is also mostly gone. We have replaced extended families and tribes with huge cities, major institutions and endless bureaucracy. So many of our institutions seem so impersonal, and so much of society appears to be falling apart, it feels as if we are losing the sense of balance and belonging that we desperately need.
Until about 100 years ago, the vast majority of humans traveled less than 25 miles from their place of birth and only met face to face with 200 other people during their whole lives. Each person made only a few decisions each day, and change happened slowly.
Now, we travel vast distances, meet hundreds of people each year (many of them "virtually" via TV, radio, films and telephone) and must make hundreds of decisions each day about how to behave, where to go and what to do. The demands on each of us, and the pace of change, are pushing us to the limit. Humanity is a million or two years old, and our DNA, of which over 99 percent is over 12 million years old, is challenged to its limit. In spite of humanity's incredible ability to adapt, we are being overwhelmed by both the speed and volume of change. Much of our life has become "virtual," with less and less contact with natural forces and the kinds of community relationships we need for happiness and balance.
It is too easy now to move on and write others off. In the extended families where humanity developed, every person had a role, a place and a value. The group could not survive without the participation of everyone. So we can learn to improve our communities from that model by participating and by being inclusive.
Advertising teaches us that we should not have to tolerate feeling bad, even for a moment. Instead, it exhorts us to hit the mall and buy, buy, buy our way to happiness. The models in popular culture are young, thin, beautiful, financially secure and can always get a date. Since the models we see in ads do not describe most of us, and we yearn for real community over time, not just a Saturday night fling, what can we do to create viable communities? How can we feel less disconnected and alienated, both individually and as a nation?
We must begin individually by working to create a vision of the community we want to live within. Then we must learn how to carry out that vision in the real world by training and developing ourselves and others as leaders and followers.
What an unusual concept, training to become a leader and a follower. We don't seriously respect or support either role, because we are devoted to individualism as a part of our national identity. And when we need to learn new skills, attitudes or behaviors, we are both too easy and too hard on ourselves. Being a follower is often seen as being second best. We are ashamed when we don't know the answers, so we sometimes pretend that we do, or that the answers to most questions are merely matters of opinion. We hate our weaknesses, so we try to hide them from others, and from ourselves, and we deny ourselves the opportunity to learn to work with them.
We exaggerate our strengths to feel good about ourselves, so we may not bother to really master anything. As an example, our country is approaching a 50 to 60 percent functional literacy rate, the lowest among industrialized nations. But if we take the attitude that we can learn everything we need to know by ourselves, or by talking to a few of our friends, we will be making a huge mistake. Perhaps as a result of living so removed from natural forces on a day-to-day basis, we seem to have lost touch with how much we need each other and the support of a community to live.
We often also hold out on participating fully, on making commitments and keeping the ones we do make, because somehow we delude ourselves into believing that something better is just around the corner. There is another world somewhere that we will shortly be invited into, or find, and then we will begin living the way we should. Why do we behave in such a short-sighted manner? We need to accept that this is the world we live in, and that we have both the opportunity and the responsibility to take care of it and create community for ourselves and as a basis for future generations.
Ideas exist within a context, and so do humans. The context for human beings is community. What does this mean? The word "context" comes from the word "contexere," meaning "to weave together." It is used to mean "knit or woven together; close; the whole situation, background or environment relevant to some happening or personality." The word "community" comes from "communitas," meaning "a fellowship," and "communis," meaning "common, a society of people having common rights and privileges, or common interests, civil, political, etc., or living under the same laws and regulations." We humans do very poorly outside our context of community, but we have to come to behave as if building and supporting our communities is something we only need do in our spare time.
In the USA, we think of ourselves as individuals first and foremost, and we think of problems mainly in terms of threats to our individual lives, liberty and rights. However, that foremost identification as individuals is the source of many of our problems, since "community" is the context for human beings. No matter how much we wish it were different, we are individuals second, and part of a web of relationships, responsibilities and obligations first.
One reason for the wane of community is that, though we want to have friends, be part of a community and be welcomed and loved, we may be losing those things that are the basis for those possibilities: tolerance and patience. Tolerance begins with seeing each other, and presenting ourselves, as we really are. But when we meet, we are often on "good behavior." What we have learned is to put forth a facade to protect ourselves from rejection. When we meet a new person, our facade meets their facade and we wonder why we both feel so empty. Someone has to risk being authentic first; who will be brave? At the first sign of ordinary human behavior, our impulse is to withdraw, or exclude. We need to practice becoming more tolerant of each other's humanness and sticking around long enough to get to really know each other. When we each put on a facade to pretend we are someone or something other than who we know ourselves to be, in the hopes that others will like us and want to be with us, we reduce the chances for real intimacy. None of us are perfect, and to demand perfection from ourselves or others is foolish and short-sighted.
Patience, too, is lacking in today's world. We don't have to stick around long enough to learn one another's strengths and weaknesses; it is too easy these days to just move on, so the first rift that shows up is the end of the relationship. But patience really is a virtue worth developing. We cannot really learn who others are without time.
Another factor that complicates human bonding is the fashion in which we attempt to motivate each other. We humans understand how to train animals very effectively; we do it using mostly praise and reward. When training an animal, every little behavior that is in the direction of our goal we praise extravagantly and reward. However, in attempting to train ourselves and other human beings, we appear to prefer the use of criticism, threats, guilt and punishment to mold and control our own and others' behavior. Not only does it not work very well, it's also no fun. Look and see what moves you to action. Is it criticism, or enthusiasm? Do you successfully motivate yourself through guilt or through encouragement? For long-term success, it is the leaders and followers who use enthusiasm and encouragement who will accomplish the most lasting creation.
We could learn to worry less about how we appear and more about how we are treating each other. There are tried and true behaviors for improving relationships: Forgive yourself and others. Don't try to resolve things while angry. Ask others to intercede to smooth things over when there is a disagreement. Work to develop skill in letting go of anger and resentment. We have so many diversions we can use to change our moods, we don't learn how to have a relationship with ourselves, let alone with another person. We need to practice tolerating and accepting the humanness of ourselves and others and to practice getting over hurt feelings, anger and disappointment.
Make an effort to get along with everyone. Make an effort to not choose sides in ongoing tiffs. Work at maintaining your relationship with people who are fighting with each other, or who are getting divorced, even if both of them try to make you choose just one of them. Behave in all your relationships as if you were going to have to be around that person for the rest of your life, as if it's better to make an effort to learn how to get along with them and to teach them how to get along with you. We need to make a commitment to individuals, groups, jobs and places and then stay and work things out. In our disposable society, jobs, relationships and even ourselves are becoming disposable too. If we don't work to change that by continuing to participate, forgiving old quarrels, apologizing and accepting apologies from others, cleaning up mistakes and making a contribution wherever we can, what will become of us?
Building and supporting viable communities cannot be accomplished by one person, or even a few. We must become willing to respectfully work together, all of us, to negotiate our differences and to tolerate mistakes. Refusing to participate because what is available is less than perfect, or supporting those who tear apart our sense of community, will make it less likely we will ever have a safe place to raise our children and grow old.
Behaving respectfully, even when we do not agree, is the foundation of human interaction. Unfortunately, it is easy for a group to define itself by having enemies to fear and hate. But there isn't any "they" out there, as far as I can tell. All that exists are people who are attempting to carry out their vision of society and community. We could begin to think of everyone as a part of "us."
The only viable choices I see are to join with someone else's efforts or to enlist others in joining yours. It is no longer possible to go off on your own or find a separate peace, if that ever was possible. And you would get even lonelier anyhow.
If we want more community events, if we want a more viable community, we will have to create it. Each new manifestation of the viable whole will be started by one person with a vision and the commitment to follow through in both inspiring others and doing the sweat-work. Is this easy to learn how to do? No. Is it possible? Yes. But we will have to be willing to learn, to teach, to support each other and to concentrate on that which assists rather than on that which tears down.
Can you think of something you wish existed in this community? Why not start it yourself? Talk to others, read some books (I have a list of guides in learning how to create community, as discussed at the article's end), write up a plan of action, get some coaching from others who are already sparkplugs for successful projects or join ongoing successful projects as a volunteer for a year, to learn before beginning on your own. Learn how to estimate a realistic budget, do fundraising, participate in other areas of the community to meet lots of people; learn how to communicate your vision and enthusiasm effectively and have a good time while you make the world a better place.
Pick something you are willing to be responsible for, and then do it over time. Agree to do one event a year, or a month, and then make the plans and carry them out for the next five years. Put your plans in writing and publish them, and you will be more likely to carry them out. Let other people support you and help you. Work with whoever is around you to create community. Don't wait until better people show up; develop those who are present, including yourself.
Too often, we feel insufficient to tackle what we know we need to do. Or we are embarrassed to ask for help or advice. Our community is filled with both groups and solitary practitioners, many who have skills and a willingness to participate if only someone who has a plan of action would invite them.
If we put off organizing or joining the projects we yearn for because we are not inspired by the circumstances and people around us, we will never get into action. If we are going to have communities to meet our needs, we will have to give up waiting for someone or something else to inspire us and begin inspiring ourselves and others and working with what exists and those who show up. There are lots of different people with lots of different ideas in the pagan community. The more respectfully we accept each other, tolerate our differences and work together where we can, the better community we will all have.
Participate... this is community.
Author's note: For a list of books and examples to use in learning to create community, contact NightOwl in care of Widdershins, at the address listed on Page 2. While these guides tend to speak in terms of political action, their suggestions are useful in any sort of project involving working in groups.
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