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by Rachel H. Palmer
Please allow me to apologize for the words I am about to write. They will strip all of us naked, and leave us raw and exposed for the world to mock at will. Our privates will become public. Our secrets will be revealed. Let us go, dear souls, and walk through our collective shame. Yes, we all have pride, and our pride makes us vulnerable.
I am about to bestow upon you a great gift: the power to insult, wound and mortally offend people based on acute astrological insights! Won't that be fun?
Many of us are striving for the Buddha consciousness -- you know, being nice people and all that. I have great respect for that endeavor. But just for a minute, I'm asking you to put aside your angel wings and join me in a bit of naughtiness. Don't get too comfortable. Thanks to astrology, what I'm about to write might make your tummy hurt.
Because I'm a Virgo and therefore always right, I never questioned myself. I assumed I was a master manipulator. I thought I could always get my way. I figured I could butter someone up better than Parkay could. I thought my words would be lethal whenever I needed them to be. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that compliments and insults are not universal. How could this be? How different are we?
When I discovered astrology in my early twenties, the world magickally opened. Suddenly I had a deeper understanding of my friends, family, colleagues and lovers. Once I learned a person's Sun sign, Moon sign and rising sign or ascendant, I had a good basic grasp of that person's character. (If you really want an edge, analyzing the whole chart is ideal.)
I caution you: Use this knowledge wisely. You and only you will atone for your sins.
Who are we kidding? There are those times when a bit of foolery is absolutely necessary.
Here's how it works: There are many things that nobody wants to hear. I have found that we all have certain things that make us crazy. Things that make us sweat profusely, want to barf, or want to crawl under a rock. Things that usually leave even Geminis speechless.
I think I have uncovered the soft underbelly of each sign. If you know a person's Sun, Moon and rising signs, you will know up to three very important things that you should not under any circumstances ever utter in that person's presence. (Unless, of course, you want to be despicable. I mean, just because you develop weaponry doesn't mean you have to deploy it, right?)
Aries
Do you want to start something? Then partner with the competitive, courageous, pioneering and adventurous Arians. Don't we just love them? They are so much fun! They may or may not return your phone calls. You can bet that if they do, it was only because they wanted to. No sense of obligation there -- they are completely free. I'd hate to have to put one in jail.
To mortally offend Arians:
· Walk up to them and say, "I'm the boss of you!"
· Tell them they are simply not qualified to do something.
· Turn your back on them, literally facing a direction opposite them. They hate this!
Taurus
Need some help? Find dependable, sensuous, prosperous and tenacious Tauruses. Relax! They will take care of everything for you! Don't tell them what to do, as they are far too stubborn to do it even if they wanted to in the first place. No, no, you must make them think everything is their idea. Then you are sure to have a wonderful time.
To mortally offend Tauruses:
· Tell them that somebody else does something better. Especially if you're a sibling, tell them that you can do that thing better. They will beat you or die trying. Having said that, I still maintain that I can now and will always be able to beat my Taurus brother at Tetris and many other things. (Ha!)
Gemini
Feeling lonely? Call the curious, witty, intelligent and adaptable Geminis, the life of the party! Find a crowd and Geminis will be in the center. They are the masters of small talk. They know a little about a lot, and probably don't know a lot about anything. Any story will be better when told by a Gemini, at least the first time they tell it. After the tenth time it begins to get a little annoying.
To mortally offend Geminis:
· Tell them to shut up! They can't stand your not being fascinated by what they're saying, even if they're talking about the weather.
Cancer
Are you stressed out? Visit the sensitive, nurturing, hospitable and comforting Cancers. When you walk into a Cancer's home, it's as if you've walked into a cozy vortex. Cancers will fluff your pillows. They will feed you food fit for kings that they "just whipped up." Their homes will be full of interesting and fascinating things.
Resist your temptation to stare at their breasts. Yes, they will feel like soft voluptuous pillows, if you are ever lucky enough to touch them. You won't be lucky if you stare.
To mortally offend Cancers:
· Tell them you don't like their cooking.
· Tell them nobody likes them. (For the record: Cancers, don't worry, everyone loves you!) It's really not kind to tell Cancers they are not liked. They are agoraphobic enough as it is. There's no need to make them feel worse.
Leo
Need an ego booster? Roll out the red carpet for the playful, romantic, lucky and loyal Leos. With them you become a member of the royal family. Step into their world and Leos will make you a king or queen. They will give you the world and expect it in return.
Everyone should, at least once in life, have a Leo propose marriage. Nobody does it better!
Pay attention to them. Applaud every performance. Throw roses, give them constant accolades, kiss their feet! Why not? They'd do it for you.
When Leos are being buttheads they need attention.
To mortally offend Leos:
· Tell them to go make themselves invisible.
Virgo
Got a problem? Perfection will find you in the form of the efficient, logical, honest and hygienic Virgos. We'll fix that problem plus all your other flaws, most of which you never even knew you had. The fixes will be for your own good, I promise! Rather than being critical, we are simply being helpful.
To mortally offend Virgos:
· It's bad -- very bad -- to tell Virgos they're a mess. Ouch!
· Poke their tiny pooch and tell them they are out of shape. (They eat right and do yoga everyday. Do you?)
· I cringe to tell you this, but there are two words that will silence Virgos and send them running for the bathroom: "You stink!"
Libra
Need a different perspective? Justice is here in the form of the beautiful, refined, rational and charming Libras.
Libras, I extend an open invitation to decorate my house, pick out my wardrobe, cut my hair and apply my makeup. And I thank you for always sweetly telling me when I have been an asshole.
There may be times when you'll want to flick fancy Libras right off those scales while somehow sensing that just wouldn't be right. Instead you'll suddenly strive to be a better person, even after they gently point out that your nose is a little crooked and express shock that you had never noticed before.
Libras never want to hear that their physical appearance or anything they have touched is not absolutely aesthetically pleasing.
To mortally offend Libras:
· Tell them they are ugly.
Scorpio
I have begun to tingle in all the right places, thanks to the secret, passionate, magick and sexy Scorpios, the brooding and intense Scorpios. What are they thinking about? They'll never tell.
Take heed: We have walked into the shadows. We are in dangerous territory. Anything that will make Scorpios crazy may very well cause them to silently kill you -- and you'd never see them coming.
Here is a trick: Something probably very small will always betray a Scorpio. Usually the betrayal is in the eyes. When enraged my mother would become unnaturally still; yet her pupils would whip back and forth like a metronome on the quickest setting. That was my cue to run. Moral: Never try to take on a Scorpio.
· To mortally offend Scorpios:
· Tell them they are out of control. (They are ruled by passion, but that is a secret.)
· Tell them that they simply are not good in bed, then run very, very fast.
Sagittarius
Do you have a question? You'll find the answer with the philosophical, generous, optimistic and spiritual Sagittarians. These people will answer your questions and leave you with fifty more. You'll never know where you are going or if you got there. But you'll have a hell of a time never doing what you were going to do in the first place. A Sagittarius will teach you that a conversation need not be linear. Like a map, there will be wonderful side roads, scenic routes and back alleys. Don't expect to return to your question's point, for Sagittarians have a larger plan (or so they tell me). Their knowledge is power.
To mortally offend Sagittarians:
· Tell them they are stupid. If you find yourself in a relationship with one, "retarded" is a word you should strike from your vocabulary. This assumes you are a non-PC asshole who has the word in your vocabulary to begin with, not that we're pointing fingers here.
Capricorn
Want to invest? Accomplishment and abundance reside with the practical, persistent, productive and dignified Capricorns. These are the people you want on your side. Take their advice! Marry them: they'll never cheat and will bring home the bacon. They thrive on structure.
To mortally offend Capricorns:
· Tell them the government and stock market have collapsed and life as we know it will be absolute anarchy.
· Tell them that from now on they will be forced to smear mud on themselves and dance around a bonfire naked for no good reason (unless they have a lot of Aquarius in their chart).
· Call them losers. To be most effective, make the loser sign -- an "L" with your hand put on your forehead -- while mouthing "loser." That's bad, real bad.
Aquarius
Just when you thought you had a handle on things, in walk the strange, quirky, rebellious and inventive Aquarians. If you have never done psychedelic drugs, that's okay: Lock yourself in a room with five Aquarians for a day and you'll understand what it's like.
I have an Aquarius friend that wants to be president. She also wants to have a big anarchy symbol tattooed on her throat. Being a practical Virgo, I told her that she probably couldn't have both.
Aquarians have an innate need to stand out. They are different and they like that about themselves!
To mortally offend Aquarians:
· Tell them they look exactly like someone you know.
· Tell them they're boring.
Pisces
We have come to the end of the road. Who is there to walk you into the sweet hereafter? None other than the emotional, intuitive, artistic and psychic Pisceans.
Try not to cry alone. They'll cry with you. Hell, they'll cry for you.
Sing, dance, and be merry! Read the cards. Throw the bones. Cast a spell -- a nice spell, that is. Paint, love, fantasize and dream! Let them sweep you into the arms of angels. Don't speak of money and reality. Listen to their music: They will write beautiful songs for you.
To mortally offend a Pisces:
· Say these magick words: "Don't quit your day job."
Coda
There you have them: twelve styles of carefully researched ammunition. Use them at your own risk. The cards are on the table for everyone to use. All is fair.
The other day I found myself in a senseless circular conversation with my Sagittarius boyfriend. I accidentally said: "What are you talking about? Are you retarded?" He became very still with eyes blazing (Scorpio Moon). He then casually stuck his nose in the air, sniffed a few times and giggled: "What? What on earth is that smell? Is that you?" "You're still stupid!" I said, turning on the shower. As I reached for my antibacterial tea-tree soap to scrub away any offending odors, I heard him yell through the bathroom door: "I'm not stupid. I have a degree in philosophy and a master's in education."
When it comes down to it, you can always take a shower. You can't wash away stupidity.
If you can't insult a person with the Sun sign, try the Moon sign or rising sign. For example: A Taurus friend told me the Taurus insult would bother her less than would being told to shut up. She has Gemini rising with a few planets in Gemini.
Get crafty and put together all three signs. Let's say you were getting sick of someone -- me for instance. Assume I just won't stop bothering you. I have Virgo Sun, Gemini Moon and Scorpio rising. I shudder to think about you pulling out all the stops and saying, "Shut up! What do you know anyway? I heard you aren't any good in bed because you're way too stinky."
Copyright © 2006 by the article's author