Making Room for the Harvest: An Open Letter to the Tacoma and Seattle Pagan Communities

opinion

by L. Lisa Lawrence

The following is an open letter explaining Lisa's change in status in Tacoma public pagan life.

As the celebration of the Lughnasadh draws near, it is time to celebrate this and future harvests, both physical and spiritual.

It is a time to celebrate, share and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Our ancestors knew, however, that it was also time to gather seeds for next year's planting, begin to store food for the winter and plow the fields under to allow the death of the old to create fertility for new growth. They knew that they must care for land properly if they wanted anything to grow in the following seasons.

Looking back at the last six years of my life, I have harvested and shared much. Unfortunately, it has left me with less and less fertile ground in my own mind, body and spirit. It is time to make some changes to allow new growth.

After six years of facilitating public rituals, workshops, drum circles and other events for Gaia's Grove, while leading a very active and full life outside of the pagan community, it is time for me to step back. All my obligations to Gaia's Grove, Sacred Oak, Widdershins, friends, family, work, church, singing, running, music and volunteering in youth programs have left me with little or no energy for myself or my own spiritual practices.

Sadly, I did not come to this conclusion peacefully or easily. It took a tragedy to make me seriously re-evaluate where I was spending my time and energy.

First, one of my very best friends, coven sister and member of our band died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. A little over a week later, while still grieving, I was nearly killed in a high-speed accident on a California freeway.

Why did I walk away from that mangled mess, while my young, vibrant beautiful friend with her whole life ahead of her died suddenly? There aren't answers to questions like that, but they do bring home one fact, loud and clear. Life is too short.

I am not the only one who has decided to give myself a badly needed break. Several people have stepped down from their public roles this year, including leaders of Covenant of the Goddess, the Illustrated Grove and even our own dear editor-in-chief of Widdershins. Others from the Puget Sound Pagan Alliance and Kindred of the Green have taken a break from leading public events for a time as well. Many of them are burned out from not getting enough help or cooperation. Some are sick and tired of pagan politics and witch wars. Others are just tired and need a break.

Those who dedicate their lives to serving the gods and the spirits of the land by working publicly in the pagan community don't have it easy. Not only do they open themselves up for criticism, jealousy and attack, but they rarely have time for their own spiritual practices or to devote to their friends, because everyone wants or needs something from them all the time.

To illustrate this when people got their feelings hurt because I didn't have time to spend with them individually at large events, one tool I used is simple math. If 60 people attend an event, and half of them want two minutes or so of my time, that's a solid hour. Considering that most people want more than two minutes, it's easy to see why an event leader might seem "aloof," especially when that leader needs to prepare for or unwind from a ritual or is trying to clean up and get out of the building before midnight. Most people who attend public events have no idea how much work and stress are involved in putting them on. They come, enjoy themselves and are home in bed while the organizers are still sweeping and taking out the trash.

In addition to the logistical difficulties, the constant gossip and witch wars that get launched against anyone who puts themselves in the public eye make it difficult for anyone to serve the pagan community for any time without becoming disillusioned and finding it difficult to have a meaningful spiritual experience.

When I entered the Tacoma pagan community in 1998, after moving here from Colorado, I jumped in head first, with the best intentions of helping to build something meaningful. For 11 years, I had been an active member of several communities and groups of varying sizes in several different states, and I was excited to lend my talents and energies in my new home.

At that point, the Tacoma Unitarian church was currently without a pagan group and was actually in danger of not having a Winter Solstice event for the first time that anyone could remember. I was asked to facilitate it and found it very satisfying to help keep such a wonderful tradition alive. Soon, Gaia's Grove was born.

Another local group was just starting up as well, and I once again jumped in to help with public events and even served on the board for a time. I was really excited to see such growth in the pagan community and to be a part of it.

After a time, however, it became apparent that I had taken on too much for any one person who had a job, family and a life outside the pagan community, so I left that group to focus my limited time and energy on Gaia's Grove and the Unitarian church, which was my first responsibility after my family and job.

Looking around the Tacoma pagan communities, I saw that each group, small and large, filled a different niche. Some had core members who followed specific witchcraft traditions, others focused on involving families and small children, while another group had an "adults only" policy. Many groups just kept to themselves.

I found and became very comfortable in my own niche, which was to help lead the group where newbies and the curious could explore different pagan paths and find their own spirituality in an environment that wasn't perceived as intimidating, dark or scary. I was pleased to offer a place where anyone could come in off the street, feel comfortable and become educated enough to make a decision on what path to follow.

I often found family members or partners of those interested in "that Wicca thing" coming to educate themselves and deciding to stay because it was spiritually meaningful for and nonthreatening to them. We eventually moved away from casting our circle with swords and athamés and raised energy with song. We included music, mystery plays and children's stories to teach lessons of the sabbats and tempered serious subjects with love and humor.

We chose not to call ourselves "Wiccan," despite training and other affiliations many members had. We stayed with the generic terms "earth based" and "pagan" to be more inclusive. The way I see it, there is no one correct path in any religion. Of course, just as in Christianity or any other organized religion, there were a few fundamentalists. Without knowing my background, training or experience, some of these labeled me a "fraud" and an "untrained danger to the community." Some bestowed on me the title "High Queen of the Fluff Bunnies," later to be replaced by the Widdershins staff with "Fluffy Dangerous." I embraced and had fun with the title.

One thing that came clear and, unfortunately, remained constant was the need for others to see any group that did not do things the way theirs did as a threat and something to be attacked. Watching these attacks and witch wars get launched over gossip, jealousy and unrequited sexual interest, I stopped involving myself in certain groups.

I have to admit that I listened to the gossip and even took sides once. I mean, why would anyone just make something up and launch an unprovoked attack against another group? Weren't we all adults in a spiritual community? I had been in other communities is several different states, and thankfully never witnessed such a strong public attack there. I had no reason to believe that these people were doing anything but trying to protect their community.

What a shock it was when I became the target of lies and gossip myself. That was a karmic lesson that I brought on myself for getting involved in the previous situation. I felt terrible for the person whom I had sided against without knowing all the facts. I apologized, made amends and made certain to distance myself from those who seemed to continually launch attacks on others.

For a time, I tried the "can't we all get along?" tactic. I tried to explain that the "if you aren't with us, you're against us" philosophy is harmful and that my lack of participation wasn't a statement against anyone because I have a very busy life. I even tried to defend myself for a time, which was one of the more foolish things I have ever done.

When I realized that wasn't going to work, I adopted a "live and let live" policy and stayed away from most public events. I figured that if I and my group stayed out of the local pagan politics and if no one who came to Gaia's Grove ever heard a negative comment about another person or group (a policy that was strictly enforced) that the obviously one-sided witch war would die out and not be taken seriously.

But things kept happening. Several years ago, a small number of people came to disrupt our Samhain ritual and intimidate one of our ritualists over an e-mail message allegedly sent to one of their members by that ritualist. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so disrespectful of sacred space or the honoring of ancestors. They seemed like badly behaved junior high school kids, not people who had supposedly dedicated themselves to the gods, whose own oaths included not entering a circle falsely.

I have come to the conclusion that a very small number of individuals in any community can ruin it for the rest. Some people define themselves and their self-worth entirely on their perceived power in the pagan community or their small circles. I have noticed that the people who seek power over or constantly knock others down to boost their own self-esteem are often the ones that don't function well in the larger, nonpagan community. Those who are new to community and are seeking teaching circles or coven memberships often help perpetuate these situations, sometimes intentionally and sometimes without realizing it.

Finding a coven or teaching circle is a difficult proposition at best. Blending religious beliefs, energies and personalities in a group that can become as close or closer than a biological family can take many failed attempts before finding a comfortable, workable situation. Sometimes, a situation fails because it's just not a good fit, and sometimes a particular circle (or any circle) can't give the person what they need.

Just such an example happened early in my coven's teaching circle. One woman became angry that we wouldn't help her do revenge magick against an ex-boyfriend who broke up with her and that we did not support her criminal activity against him. Rather than working on her own issues, she began getting drunk, foul-mouthed and abusive in my home in front of my then-adolescent stepdaughter. When she was asked to leave the group after refusing to seek help, she went out and found people who enabled and even validated her behavior.

The pagan community is filled with disgruntled would-be dedicants like her, who rather than facing their own issues and demons find someone who will side with them when they don't cut it in their current group. I've seen groups take on people who have created havoc, drama and chaos in another teaching circle just because it was a way to get a new person "on their side" in a witch war. More often than not, the same issues eventually surface, and the next group is torn apart. The practice of going to the circle or person who is the biggest detractor of the circle one has just left, and even worse, accepting a student just because they are a detractor of someone you don't like, is harmful both to the seekers who may not get the professional help they need and to the group that has to deal with the drama and conflict. The individual issues between group members and smaller groups fuel the fires of witch wars in the larger community.

Just such an event made me finally lose the desire to waste any more time and energy in the Tacoma pagan community. A woman who left my teaching circle and at least one other one under bad circumstances decided to form a new group. After tearing my circle apart, she decided to ask my support in her new venture, including my hosting their first events.

I'm all for anyone who wants to give something to the pagan community, but I wasn't going to get involved in her problems with other groups, and my schedule was full for the year. I advised her that if she really wanted to "build community," "heal wounds" and form a "neutral" organization, she should avoid the impression of association with any group and hold events in a location not associated with a particular group. I wished her well but declined to be involved in her venture.

Once again, I was faced with "if you aren't with us; you're against us." After politely declining to help, I was amazed at things I supposedly said to people I hadn't even met. The really sad thing is that this woman and her cohorts took advantage of a tragedy in the community, the grief of our grove and my injuries to kick us when we were down -- even so far as to push a political agenda at my coven mate's memorial service.

Call me naive, but I just don't get why people can't simply offer events and be glad to contribute to a diverse community. I never understood why it had to be viewed as a competition.

After realizing how short life is, I can't waste any more time or energy thinking that I can make a difference in a community in which a few power-hungry people can create and perpetuate so much division and animosity because it's the only way they can feel important.

I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to avoid witch wars in the Tacoma community is not to offer public events. Sadly, others who have a sincere desire to offer a gift to the community are also making that decision, or at least taking good long breaks from public paganism.

I am quite happy at this point in my life to circle and celebrate with my friends and Unitarian church community and to concentrate on my job, athletic training, youth mentoring and music. I am blessed to have a full life of which the pagan community was only a small part. Walking away is not a crisis but a relief.

I truly hope there are others who can take up the reins and offer the community a safe and diverse place to learn, celebrate and explore all the blessings that the gods, ancestors and fey can bestow upon those who seek them sincerely.